recondite
6/4/24
Tamarind sweets and turtled retreat--
Choices not made haunt me before sleep.
Something damning persists in the way I behaved,
For vivid is the memory of the way that you waved.
Twin green ephemera tucked into tiny book!
I wish I'd the courage to go back and look,
But energy most frantic overpowered sensibility
And now I write here, musing with humility.
Dorky but earnest; full-hearted and naïve...
Four fine words I'd use to define me.
There's so much to learn, so much to become!
How caught-up I'd been in remembering: I'm allowed to have fun.
Global strife consumed me; work did the same--
I lost sight of myself, forgot my own name.
I think I woke up at January's end,
And months later on, I stopped playing pretend.
Twenty-three was a test and twenty-four is the next,
And like presenting a memorial with new flowers, I revamp this text.
I've learned much about my mind and the way that it works,
Just as I've sat with ways my heart's been hurt.
Not by you, but people of past --
Love I held dear and once wanted as my last.
Not totally healed, it seems, for I've run once again --
Scars lattice the path labeled "but first, we are friends."
I've learned much this Spring, from feelings your talent brings
On what I've wrought in this world: my spirit oppressed
By the workplace over which I once obsessed.
What about art? And passion, and truth? What about love,
The kind that accepts all refuse?
The Grand Reset, or so I am calling it,
Marks time of revival, even if fringed with regret.
Had I the courage to say yes from the start,
Or the patience to let rest my eager heart,
Perhaps you'd know
The magnitude
Of my gratitude.
Because I meant it, you know,
Not a lie was written.
I was re-enamored with life-- totally smitten :)
To this day, such sentiments persist,
Since hasty action forced concerts missed.
I laugh through the grimace, for if nothing else,
The way I was moved was good for my health.
But if you asked me today to rethink what I'd say
I'd give answers extensive as solstice -- longest summer day.
I'd talk about enjambment and chiasmus and point up at the stars,
Syllepsis and Pepsi to rule fleeting moments in cars.
I made it home safe, so you know -- thanks for the lead;
Sorry, my father fixed my lights, but I did have that need.
I'm not huge on crowds these days, but eventually I'll be
Somebody stronger than the person you didn't meet.
She was timid, you see, not used to these feelings!
Four years inside, socially deprived, while her true self was buried behind
Handles, smiles, curated aisles of life captured as tiles...
But I heard it's time to grow up.
To be boyish by 25 has been a curious goal--
Time, relentless! A few more seconds, I wish I stole.
There really was magic, I think. Something electric and undefined...
But to this period of distance, I'm calmly resigned.
For some times are big; other times, small.
I'll blossom beyond institution, 'til school starts next Fall.
Thank you for these lessons, I swear to hold them dear!
Onward, not back; gratitude timeless, forever here.