developing calluses
the corner of my left index finger had this weird thick, yellowish skin. as a chronic skin-picker, i was delighted by the opportunity to peel away some of my flesh and dispose of it in the base of my pothos. (what? oh, come on. try it. it's weird but it is so satisfying. you pour water into the plant tray and your cells are just, like, also there. getting sipped up by your plant kinda, i don't know. doesn't matter. we are one.)
then i picked up my guitar and realized whaaat i juuuust diiiid.
the feeling of developing a callus is tight. not like tight sick, i mean yeah that too for sure, but tight like tense. my fingertips feel like they have one of those little rubber circle stoppers that go under acrylic displays to keep them from moving. i am very pleased with the progress.
on my left hand, my nails are trimmed down. i just checked to see if i needed to clip them again and my fingers trembled. is anyone else that way? do you have a perpetual tremor? it steadies when i take deep breaths, but otherwise, i am always shaking a little. i have this unconscious habit of clenching my fists and gripping my pens really hard.
on my right hand, my nails are quite long. my index and middle finger are chipping a bit from strumming my guitar because i don't prefer picks and i play electric unplugged (my amp is a bit fussy, my chord is the same, i jumped right into electric instead of acoustic four years ago), while my ping and rinky have a lovely centimeter of white keratin extending my finger. my hands remind me of my grandmother's. i would paint them red in her honor, but i've started to hate the feeling of nail polish. i can't help but be conscious of those chemicals seeping into my nailbeds, as though my fingers are drinking the enamel and exacerbating my shakiness.
it's been fun, playing guitar -- learning to sing at the same time -- being kinda bad at it but also quite good for a beginner. i composed a deeply emotional and vulnerable and rather depressing but still somehow hopeful poem, put it to a chord progression, and it's about twenty minutes long. i sobbed while i wrote it, and while i sang it, and rewrote it. and i will sob about it again.
my mom liked it. she wants me to share it online. my best friend is proud of me and wants to hear it, too. i would like that very much, truthfully, but i've been so... just. i'm still pretty intimidated, still building the calluses. but i'll get there. i am actively moving towards there! yeah!!!!!!!